So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
