i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
