I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
