At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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