you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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