I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
