I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
