we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
