I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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