She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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