she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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