I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
