I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
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Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
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So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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