Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
