You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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