Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
