Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
sarcasm needs its own font
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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