I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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