I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
