Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
