My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
