White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
