He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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