70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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