I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
