I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
The maid of honor just puked.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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