everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
