Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
