Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
