On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
