96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
