Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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