please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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