i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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