I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
How's work?
Spinning.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
In other news, I just burned my penis
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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