i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
