you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
