he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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