I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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