walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
