Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
