I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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