I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
