she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
