Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.