when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
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he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
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she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out