My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"