this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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