So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize