No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
