how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
