Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
