Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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