uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
