I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
