my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
