is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
