I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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