I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
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Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
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If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
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