She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
