"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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