remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.