Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Randomize
