my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
