My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
