I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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